Wondering Why Is the No Contact Rule So Effective? No apps, visits, e-mail, text messages, calls, messages on social media, and of course no goodbye sex after it is out. Even if the other person tries to contact you, stick to this one rule that forbids contact.
How you can get your ex thinking about you and longing for the “good old days” he/she enjoyed when you were together…. without even saying a word to him/her!
Why Is the No Contact Rule So Effective?
Ending a relationship is never fun. The emotional rollercoaster that follows is often less fun. While you’ve lived with someone for years and been supported by thick and thin, it’s suddenly over. Anyone who does research for himself to get through this phase unscathed, will at some point come across the no-contact rule. It is one of the many ways to deal with a breakup.
What is the No Contact Rule?
With the no-contact rule, also known as the “no contact rule”, there is only one condition that you must meet: not having contact with your ex. It is exactly as it sounds: no form of communication or physical contact with your ex.
No apps, visits, e-mail, text messages, calls, messages on social media, and of course no goodbye sex after it is out. Even if the other person tries to contact you, stick to this one rule that forbids contact.
No contact = no contact
- No phone calls
- No physical encounters
- Do not drive past the house
- Don’t be in the same place by accident
- No Facebook, Instagram or Twitter DMs
- No text messages or text messages
- Don’t ask about your ex through mutual friends
- No status messages that are clearly intended for your ex
- Don’t look at your ex’s social media profiles
Why does it exist?
The “no contact rule” was created to set a hard condition so that you can say goodbye to your previous relationship for good. The longer you stay in contact with your ex, the harder it is to get over your ex. Therefore, the no-contact rule is the best way to provide the necessary clarity that it is over for good.
The No Contact Rule is also used in criminal organizations, which prohibits members from speaking to the media or police.
It is difficult
The seemingly simple rule does not exist for nothing, but it is not easy to do it. It may even be one of the hardest things to do if you’ve been together for many years. The weekly Netflix marathons visit family and groceries at the local supermarket; suddenly you have to do everything alone. After the relationship is broken, suddenly you realize that you have to continue alone. The loneliness and emotions fill your body with adrenaline, sadness, and helplessness.
You prefer to contact your ex directly to discuss how you feel. Maybe you also want to discuss whether it was really the right choice or maybe you can still remain friends?
It is not strange that you think about the possibility to keep in touch with each other. Everyone who breaks up does that. Change is difficult and keeping in touch makes this change seem less disastrous for your life. The opposite is true. Keeping in touch with an ex-partner will not help you any further, but is a real step back.
To avoid making the same mistake over and over and going back to an unhappy relationship or one that is doomed to fail, there is no contact rule. It prevents you from doubting yourself and accelerates the healing of a fracture.
How long does the “no contact rule” last?
Opinions are divided as to how long you should stick to the rule. In most cases, it is recommended to keep it on for at least 30 days. This method is also known as the “30-day rule”. After this month you can evaluate how you feel at that moment. Is there still a good reason to contact your ex again or have you become aware in a month that it is not going to help you? If you haven’t had enough time after 30 days, be prepared to extend it to 60 or 90 days.
A month seems short, but if you try it yourself, this has been a long time, especially if your ex is looking for contact and you do not hear from you. The 30-day period is needed to show you what it feels like to stop living with your partner. It prepares you for the final breakup where you no longer need to see or speak to your ex.
What many people experience during this period is a combination of emptiness, sadness, loneliness, but also a somewhat strange oasis of peace. It gives you time to deal with the break, mourn but also to sort everything out. 1
The emotions persist if you keep in touch and you are unable to give it a place. Out of sight, out of mind, is the basis of the no-contact rule.
For who is it?
The rule of avoiding contact with your ex doesn’t apply to everyone. Whether it is the best solution for your situation depends on your feelings, the situation, but also on how the relationship came to an end. Different situations are possible in this:
- You care, the other wants to continue
- The other cares, you don’t really want that
- You make the decision together
A happy ending is possible because there is no longer love on either side, but only friendship. In this situation, the no-contact rule is useless. You are already emotionally independent of your ex. This also applies to the situations that mean a happy ending for you, but not for your ex. It makes no sense to follow the rule. The only reason why disconnecting even then is a wise choice is not to give your ex hope for reunification.
In practice, it often happens that a break is initiated by one of the two partners, not by both at the same time. For example, it is possible that you are still hopelessly in love with your ex but that your ex ends the relationship. This is a happy ending for your ex but not for you. The no-contact rule is specifically for this type of situation, which means a sad ending for you. If you are left with a broken heart, while your ex flirts with one single after another, the no-contact rule applies to you.
The last resort?
The key to the well-known “no contact rule” is that it helps you deal with a breakup so that you don’t go back to your ex with hanging feet. A theory that is discussed on many of the “ex back” websites is that the rule can also be used to reclaim male ex-partner. The basis of this tactic is that the man wants what he cannot have. The primeval man wants to hunt and by not having contact with him you create a desire that the man cannot resist. If the man realizes you don’t need him, he wants you and finally realizes what he had. It works, according to many writers, but whether you do yourself a favor with it is another question.
As you can understand, the “no contact rule” cannot be applied if you have children together and co-parenting. In that case, you keep the conversations to a minimum and only discuss the things that have to do with the children. This also applies to emergencies such as the discovery of an STI and the mandatory partner warning.
How can the no-contact rule help you?
Staying out of touch after a breakup can help you in several ways. It helps you deal with the broken relationship, but it also gives you time to think about what happened. The classic rule can help you in these ways:
1. It prevents you from going wrong
2. It gives you time to think
Staying in touch with your ex obscures your view of the truth. The truth of why the relationship got to the point where a breakup was inevitable. By not seeing your ex and not speaking, you get the time to think it over carefully. You can see at your own pace why the relationship broke up, why it didn’t work and who is really guilty.
3. It gives you a different perspective
Conversations with your ex can lead to you getting stuck in the same perspective, the perspective that is often not based on reality. The focus is then on how beautiful you had it together and what would have to change to be back together. What is forgotten in the background is the search for the real reason why the relationship failed.
People often only find out after the relationship how wrong they were or how they were fooled. This is because you can only view the relationship from a different perspective if you are no longer in the relationship. 3
4. You can recover faster
Staying in touch with your ex will work against your recovery. If your ex remains part of your life, it is impossible to shut it down and move on. You or your ex may even think you’ll probably get back together someday. These thoughts are based on hopes and unrealistic desires, not on how the fork really fits.
A 2012 study published in the journal Cyberpsychology shows that people who view the ex’s profile on Facebook are more likely to have negative feelings for the person, more likely to desire the person, and less likely to recover after the breakup.
The thoughts of your ex will not help you recover but will increase the chance that you will go wrong again by making the wrong choice. By distancing yourself from your ex, you can accept the break more quickly so that you can let go more and more and eventually continue with your own life.
5. It gives you a chance for new experiences
A broken relationship takes time, effort and energy. Even if the relationship is over and you maintain contact with your ex, it will continue to demand your attention. In order to continue with your life, new experiences are necessary. Whether meeting new people or new activities with people you already know; all these new experiences help you to move forward. 6
Every time you answer a text from your ex, call your ex or check his or her Facebook activities is a missed opportunity for an experience that brings you closer to letting go.
The no-contact rule is there to help you, not to help your ex get rid of you. The rule helps you get to the top of the true reasons behind the breakup, and it takes you back to reality. Breaking all contact is difficult, but often necessary to face the facts. After a break-up, there are several stages that go through, and that is faster if you no longer have contact with your ex. It is crucial to think about yourself after a break-up so that you go into the future healthier and stronger.
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Why Is the No Contact Rule So Effective? by Theresa Alice